Dear momma

Dear Mom, I wanna tell you how proud I am of you, I do not tell you this enough. I am proud of the way you are handling everything God is handing you. I know you're juggling many things right now. But I am proud of everything you are doing to better yourself as not just a person but a mom. I want you to know, Even when we fight and argue. And I lash out at you. I will never ever stop loving you. No matter how hard I am to reason with or how hard I can be to deal with. You never once gave up. I know some days it’s hard to deal with my outburst. I know you didn’t have a lot of help. I know I never ever made it easy on you. I am truly sorry. I have been thinking alot about the times when you would ask me why I would do something, and I never had an answer. I believe it was me being impulsive, listening to the intrusive thoughts. But I can't be sure. I know one day, when I have kids of my own, I will fully understand that struggle. I want to be able to be a great mom one day,and you inspire me. I know when I say and do things,that cuts you deeply. And I know I use you as a verbal punching bag. I know it isn’t right. And I am truly apologetic for it. I still don’t get why I do it. Which is also why I tend to push you away. Cause i believe it’s better to not conversate with you to avoid hurting you then talking to you and slipping up and hurting you. I don't enjoy it. I hate when that happens. It hurts my soul every time I make you sad. When I don't succeed in my life. I feel like i am not good enough for you. When i don’t have an amazing job. I feel like i failed you. I feel less of a person because i struggle with everyday tasks, as simple as taking a shower. I feel like a burden. I know you want us (kids) to be better than you. To not do the same mistakes you did, to learn and grow to become amazing humans. I believe we did. Benji is a Great student who loves everyone, and yearns to learn about things. Cj is so compassionate and smart, he loves deeply and hard. I am you're goofy kiddo who loves way to much. You made loving,kind hearted human beings. Yes we all struggle with mental health, some more than others…coughs me. But that doesn’t mean you failed as a mother. You taught us lessons. You taught us how to learn and grow as people. And to me that makes you a perfect mother. Yes we all had our ups and downs. We all went through some terrible situations that were very scary. But we took that and ran with it. WE Learned,we grew and we evolved as people. God gives us tribulations in our lives because he knows we can handle it. God teaches us tiny life lessons so we can grow as humans. You have shown us the way to become great people. Mom, I know you still shame yourself for a lot of things. But that wasn’t your fault. I know mawmaw wasn’t the best to you, and you were hurt and abused a lot throughout your entire life. But please do not blame yourself for our mistakes. Don’t blame yourself for the things that happened to us. I do not blame you.