Lyrics
The Bent Wheat Daily
Post Serial
January 9, 2002
Introducing a new Bent Wheat Staff Reporter, the four-year-old moron, who will be reporting on making all your wishes come true. Essay originally written in blue crayon. Please welcome, Sherrie.
All Your Wishes Come True
Ahhh. I think first you have to wish. Maybe close your eyes and scrunch up your nose, and say please. It’s like praying. And then you don’t have to do anything else, cause then it is on it’s way to the North Pole, and all the little elves are working on it.
But if you worry about whether you are naughty or nice, or even on Santa’s customer list to begin with, then your order might get shelved for more paperwork. You have to send trust, like fairy dust, along with your wish.
Wishing is not difficult, recognizing when the wish comes true, is. And this is due to a translation and packaging fubar in the elf union. According to the Santa Clause in their union contract:
1. All order receiving elves only speak one language, the language of concept. So if you are praying for a new Mercedes and a million dollars, the elf will write down, a new self-mobile and one large bag of self-worth.
2. a. All packaging elves work six hours a day with two fifteen minute coffee breaks, and one hour for lunch, for five consecutive days, and then take two weeks off. You will probably never have the same elf filling your order every time. There are many Santa’s helpers.
2. b. Packaging elves cannot put a concept into a bag, tie it up and ship it off. They have to put something into the bag, as a gift. The translation from concept to literal is totally at the discretion of the” on shift” packaging elf.
Every elf has a different perception of a concept. To one elf’s perception, a new self-mobile, might be a wheelchair, and a large bag of self-worth is ten pounds. You can only hope and pray he’s on extended vacation when your order goes through.
If you do recognize your gift when it arrives, and it does not look anything like what you think you originally ordered, do not try and return it. Elves do not like that. They will tell you to keep it and just make a new wish. It’s easier that way.
You may use your Santa Preferred Top of the List Customer Gold Card for express delivery.
